To be continued.

Last Friday I finally got my final feedback for the challenge questions I submitted from my supervisor. It was such a big relief for me. I really need to thank Adrian properly, because he taught me so many things. In the Oxfam office, he is not only my supervisor but also my loyal colleague. We work and fight together to against our ‘imaginary enemies’. He promised me that he would give me the reference letter in the next week. I am considering whether I should buy him a gift before I go and if so what kind of gift should I buy? Maybe a pair of cuff buttons will do.

When I got home later that day, I started my weekend trip planning. Initially I planned to go to Bath, but due to the fact that August is the peak tourist season and I couldn’t find any hotel with a reasonable price, so I went to York instead. I regret deeply that I didn’t book the hotel before. It is kind of my problem now, my life is too spontaneous.

It was a beautiful day on Saturday, blue sky, bright sunshine and gentle breeze. It took around sixty minutes to get there by train. Not far at all. After I got off the train and walked out of the station I took out my Nikon camera immediately. Maybe because of the beautiful weather, people flocked into the streets from every corner of the city. I walked into the crowd with no clear purpose. I enjoyed the feelings and I enjoyed the moments that I had totally lost myself in the crowd. I wanted nothing more but few nice photos, because I know as time flows on my memory will lapse piece by piece and the only things I can keep in my life are the photos and my experience.

It is only when we silence the blaring sounds of our daily existence that we can finally hear the whispers of truth that life reveals to us. Ready or not, some day it will all come to an end. There will be no more sunrises, no days, no hours or minutes. Your wealth, fame and temporal power will shrivel to irrelevance. Your grudges, resentments, frustrations, and jealousies will finally disappear. It won’t matter where you came from, or on what side of the tracks you lived. So what will matter? How will the value of your days be measured? Living a life that matters doesn’t happen by accident. It’s not a matter of circumstance but of choice.

I didn't do anything particular in the last two days. I just did the old routines. It should be my last week of work in Oxfam. On Monday, I went to Oxfam and handed my thirty challenge questions to my supervisor and hopefully I could get the feedback at the end of this week. What I did yesterday was the missing SA2s report. It was an easy task, but it was very tedious and almost no one would like to do it. Around the lunch time I called Tianxue, who just came back from her Europe holiday. I invited her for lunch and told her I was leaving. I genuinely believe that it should be half good and half bad news for her, because we are best frenemies. 

I think, deep breath, I kind of like her, like a proper friend I have known forever. She has done so many horridious things, and I'd probably hate her if I wasn’t her good friend, but I like being a good friend with her. When I first met her, she dressed like a total buck roger and I despised her greatly, but after three year we have become very good friends. We have been through a lot of things together, and gradually I realised that her beauty is not the superficial appearance but her inner beauty. She is not a flower girl who you can see the beauty right through. She is smart, independent, free-thinking, good hearted girl who remain friends for life. She is more like a French wine, whose flavour will only come to you after a while. That is also why we should never judge a book by its cover.

Like many other girls she is emotional, but when she confronts something which really matters to her future she can always hold back all her emotional feelings and make all the right decisions. She surely has many faults, but nobody is perfect in this world, not even me. She helped me to mirror back and view myself. I couldn’t help but wonder why is it? We can see our friends perfectly, but when it comes to ourselves, no matter how hard we look, we still cannot understand ourselves. Maybe because we are too close with ourselves, hence we cannot get a whole picture of our own virtues and demerits, but luckily we can still use the images which reflect from our friends to form a big picture.

Life should be lived with meaning and don’t waste your life on meaningless things. What will matter? It’s such a difficult question. It’s worth thinking. To be honest, I care about my friends. In my life I don’t have many friends, just few, but each of them is great and I would like to do my best to make them happy. To me, friendship is the ship that never sinks.

Yesterday was quite smooth and painless for me. It seems that all the bad feelings about everything have already been buried in my heart deeply. It was Friday, so I went to Oxfam and worked hard there as usual. When you are single and live in the Newcastle, there is no end to fill your days, museums, parks, cinema and the night clubs. Therefore, after the work I decided to go to the cinema and watched The Ugly Truth alone. It was a nice movie indeed; at least it made me laugh. I realised that I still could laugh if there were something really funny, but I also knew that this kind of laugh would not last long enough to smooth all the pain in my deep heart.

The unconditional happiness will only come to you when you have achieved something which really matters to you. In that case, do I really that happy? Have I really achieved anything on my long list? Maybe I am considered as lucky compared with those people who live on the edge of death and hunger. However, the truth is in some extent I am one of them, because under my superficial appearance I have a hollow sprit which is dying to be stuffed. The sad thing is if you live in this gray area for too long, you may get used to it, you will then gradually lose your passion and true feelings for everything. And if you really do feel this way, you may get yourself lost and feel totally helpless. At that time the only thing that can guide you and help you is your faith.

It was raining when I got out of the cinema. Hard and soft, it hit the grass, green and wet. I wanted nothing more but a hot meal. I was too tired to cook anything that night, so I just ate some instant noodles. After the meal, I seated in front of my laptop with a blank mind, totally didn’t know what to do next. Maybe because of the fact of going home, I just didn't know where to start. The idea of going home left me short of breath. Shouldn’t I be happy about going home? Why was I so panicky? Maybe it was because of the uncertain future, but I knew it was not the real reason. If one couldn’t even face their parents, how can he have the courage to face himself? Does this mean that I am afraid of the judges from my parents? Why would I feel this way? It may purely because I was so lack of self-confidence and self-reliance. How shameful I am. So, you see sometimes the truth could be ugly.

My life logic is when you are afraid of something then you need to face it directly. Before you conquer your fears, you could get butterflies in your stomach, but after that you will feel that there is nothing that you can’t do, just like the lord created the world. Therefore, I called my mum this morning and had a little chinwag with her. She told me that my uncle would come to our house this afternoon, so she had to prepare a decent meal tonight. Gosh, I miss my mum’s cook. I also miss my father’s manly smell. After the call, I realised that there are certain things that I am actually look forward to. Going home maybe is a good decision for me. Maybe going home may lead me to my unconditional happiness. Who knows? At least I am not afraid about the fact now.

Every morning, millions of city people leave their crowed apartments and head out even more crowed streets on their way to work. Yesterday, I was one of them. Sometimes a boy just needs a new start. I went to Oxfam and worked as a finance assistant. Indeed, I have been doing this job since last year. What I did yesterday was the missing gift aid. Basically, it was just checking and recalculating the total sum of the donation slips with those on SA2s. I also needed to record those differences above 20 pounds within a week. The reason for doing this task is to help those donators to claim the tax relief on their donations.

Today I am off, so I just stayed at home waiting for the delivery. In the middle of the day I received two big tea boxes, which I ordered two days ago from Seven Seas. After that, I went to the Nando’s immediately, which is a renowned restaurant for its authentic Hot Peri Peri Sauce. I ordered my favorite meal - Chicken Livers and Portuguese rolls with a glass of house red. I admit that was a luxurious lunch, but the combination of the meal and the wine was just perfect.

Sometimes, even a simple, nice meal can bring you back to life. So you see life is not just about work, food and sex, it is also about your personal style, your passion and most importantly your attitude. People say that if you live in a city where you can’t even see the stars, your life tends to lose its direction easily. When you are young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun, and then you grow up to be sophisticated and cynical. You may have your life aspirations but when it comes to the real world your aspirations will always yield to the cruel reality. Once upon a time I had a life aspiration, which was inhumanly murdered by a series of the life strikes. I have been trying to realise it since the idea sprouted in my head, but it wouldn’t come to me as I wished. You may say I have earned some really special experience, but frankly who would like to have this kind of lousy experience? And I can’t see how it can help you to build your future career route.

I am frustrated about the tragic fact that I wasted too much time. This time I hope I was wrong, because I don’t want to end up with nothing after two years’ hard work. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe the reality had nothing to do with my life aspiration. It was me who killed it inconsciently. I should really stick to my plan and keep going. After all, life is not easy and fair for anyone, but if other people can do this so can I.
 

Just like I promised to myself yesterday, I had a beautiful day today. I received a message even before I got up this morning. It was my sister and she must miscalculate the time difference I suppose. She has been trying to help me to find an ideal girlfriend ever since my mum asked her to do so. Well, I didn't reject her this time but I didn’t make any promise either. I did give her my e-mail address though, and I had no idea how far this could go.

After I took a shower I made several phone calls to arrange my journey. I have booked a ticket through Omega Travel Company. I also called Seven Seas and asked them to help me to deliver my luggage. Their big tea boxes should be delivered to my place on this Thursday. I also called Scottish Power trying to close my account but the truth is that it was a lot more complicated than I expected, so I decided to wait for a few days. After I had done all these I called my mum and she told me that she could meet me in Xiamen.

By the middle of the day I was so bored, so I decided to watch a movie but when I got the cinema the staff told me that the cinema would be closed for a few days. Well, sometimes shit happens. After that I intended to go to Aspers but my intuition told me that was a bad idea. As I walked out of the Gate I saw a coffee house which I always wanted to get in. How funny, I have been in this city for four years, but somehow I never had a good time to come to that coffee house. I was always trapped by the things from my study or work. So I walked in and saw the interior structure which I used to see from the outside of the window. How different can it be? I suppose it's just my feelings being different. After a brief chat with the waitress I realised that she was even shier than me, but she was very sweet and kind and she even wanted to take a photo with me. What a surprise.

After this I couldn’t help but wonder why people always trend to appreciate the small things around them when they confront a life problem. Can you make a mistake and miss your fate? Or maybe our mistakes are what make our fate. Without them what would shape our lives? Perhaps if we never veered off course, we wouldn't be who we are. Tomorrow, ha, I can’t wait to challenge myself.

If I wasn’t this upset I would never back to this place and update it. I am planning to go back home for a while. Indeed, I have to now, because my visa is going to expire in the next month. Well, I am not upset about my visa, what I am really upset about is the fact that in the last two years I haven’t done anything which could be considered as fabulous. Have I ever been truly happy for myself in the past few years?

I could help but wonder, what happened to me, what did I do and how can something so right be so wrong? I don’t have a perpetual youth, so the last two years should be the best ages in my life but I didn't do any meaningful thing to sublime that precious time. I think it is safe to say that I have really messed up this time. I lost so many great opportunities to make things better. I apologise profusely, especially to my parents, but I am also so grateful to them. I really appreciate their support.

Gosh, I just realised how negative and cynical I am right now. I can't see myself ever being happy again. These can’t be right. I am supposed to be a sunny boy. Before I came to the UK, I had hided my true feelings behind. I didn’t want to come here due to some emotional issues, and only now do I realise just how much I want to stay. I have learnt so much being here, being with all of my friends. I have had a hole in my heart for five years, and somehow being here, it slowly started to heal.

There are still around three weeks before I get out of here, so I should really brace myself up. I still have plenty of time to make things right. Just do what I supposed to do and be myself. After all I am a grown-up now, so I should really cut off those bad memories and restart everything as I just came here. Gripe your last opportunity here to make the last three weeks more meaningful, so you would never regret in the future. Your destiny is still in your hands.

Be strong! May the force be with you!~

I am not sure it is a right time to write this topic, but I really fancy it because it has a practical meaning for me. It is an allegory on the progression from childhood to maturity. I am in this world trying to woven myself into to it. Time and pressure will agglomerate together and suffocated you. A life which disappears once and for all, which does not return, is like a shadow, without weight, dead in advance, and whether it was horrible, beautiful, or sublime, its horror, sublimity, and beauty mean nothing. However, is that so?

Please don't tell me that life is nothing but an empty dream. It is only for the soul is dead that slumbers and things are not always what they seem like. Life is real, and the grave is not its goal. Dust thou art, to dust returnest, was not spoken of the soul. So, let the dead past buries its dead. My deep heart feelings always push me forward. I know I should act, act in the living present with a heart for any fate.
"Then am I a happy fly, if I live or if I die." Alive and kicking.......^^

So, what is the biggest news in the financial world in recent days? Well, no doubt, it is the Northern Rock's crisis. Northern Rock, which is the fifth biggest mortgage lenders in the UK, lends a large amount for mortgages, and finances this with money from banks and savers. However due to the crisis in the US sub-prime mortgage market as I mentioned in my previous diary, the money markets have stopped lending money to Northern Rock. Therefore, the public confidence in Northern Rock collapses and people withdraw their money hysterically. In order to release this crisis the Bank of England steppes into the breach to give Northern Rock an emergency loan.

There is also a potential crisis in China's stock market, as Chinese shares have continued rising at a breakneck pace, pushing Shanghai's main stock index to the 4500 mark. Some analysts have warned that a stock market bubble is being created. Buying shares is becoming a new Chinese national pastime and many investors were not basing their purchases on a solid financial analysis. I am looking forward to see what kind of financial policy our government will implement in the near future to deal with this problem.

Britain is famous around the world for its rainy weather, but many parts of country this summer experienced much more rain than they have ever seen before. Torrential downpours have caused rivers to burst their banks, roads have been closed and many people have been evacuated from their homes because of the floods.

The weather just can't make up its mind what to do. The weather man said it would be clear today, but it is really cloudy. I still remember years before when I was in China the summer was extremely hot, it was almost unbearable. So I thought it would be wonderful if it had been raining all summer. It's really silly I have to say.

Now, I really have to admit that I miss those sunny days very much. In sunny days, I always feel full of energy and willing to do any kind of outdoor activities. In such nice weather, even in the library you still can feel the breath of the sun. The light can leisurely goes though the windows and then lazily lies on your books or just leans against your shoulder. Contrastively, in rainy days, I always feel depressed without any good reasons, and I don't even want to get out of my bed sometimes. In such weather, I always tend to indulge myself...en...spoiled boy^^

However, is it really because of the weather or just my personal attitude? May be I should keep a sunny mood in my heart no matter what kind of weather outside. In that case, I am the ruler of the weather in my world. If so, I should easily change it without any difficulty, but why it is not? One of the reasons it has seemed so difficult for me to change my habits, my personality, or even the way of life, has been that heretofore nearly all efforts at change have been directed to the circumference of the self, so to speak, rather than to the center. Just use an old adage to remind me. "Never put a patch of new material upon an old garment, or put new wine into old bottles."

Very interesting, I am reviewing myself, though I find my mind a wee bit stretched. It's a good start, isn't it? After all, tomorrow is another day. Enjoy days of my life.

Recently, I have been trying to enhance my writhing ability but I hesitated when confronted with the vast untouched area of English vocabulary and usage which falls outside the scope of basic textbooks. What I am experiencing is the recognition that the more complex structures one encounters in a language are not as vital to making oneself understood and so have a less immediate field of application. I don't know when I can write something like "To be, or not to be: that is the question: whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune or to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing end them. To die: to sleep; No more..."

I wish I could write an elegant poem essay as Shakespeare did, but I have to say that I am not as talent as him. Years ago, I used to write some short essays which made me quite content with and even our Chinese teacher asked me to read it in front of my class. At that time, boyish flighty and proud filled in my vainglorious heart. It is hardly to say that these had a positive impact on my process of growing up. And now when I look back they all become my past as a part of my boyhood memories.

The eternal truth is just like Samuel Johnson said that life afforded no higher pleasure than that of surmounting difficulties, passing from one step of success to another, forming new wishes and seeing them gratified. The thing is all our dreams can come true if we have the courage to purse them. So many times that we struggle to find life outside ourselves, unaware that the life we are seeking is within.

Within every soul there is a rose. The God-like qualities planted in us at birth, grow amid the thorns of our faults. Many of us look at ourselves and see only the thorns, the defects. In that case, no doubt, we despair, thinking that nothing good can possibly come from us. We neglect to water the good within us, and eventually it dies. We never realize our potential. To look at ourselves and, knowing our limitation, recognize the nobility in our soul, and most importantly we have to believe that we can overcome our limitation.